TFLN 1

A few highlights from TFLN

(305): Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
(816): She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
(856): FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
(715): I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
(785): if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
(864): you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
(541): Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
(505): Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
(+44): why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
(517): every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
(651): Could a canary swim?
-(952): Last time I ever let you pet sit.
(425): Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.